Your 20s might not always feel like the best years

How work, friends, and purpose make it better

Joanne McHugh

Apr 15, 2025

Book of the Month: The Twentysomething Treatment by Dr. Meg Jay. “Contrary to what popular culture and social media may suggest, your 20s are probably not going to be the best years of your life–at least not emotionally...In fact, statistically speaking, your 20s are likely to be the years when you feel your worst,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“An estimated 80% of life’s most consequential decisions are made by around the age of 35. Do I go to graduate school and how do I pay for it? Which job do I take? Where should I live? Whom do I love? Should I have kids? Should I move for my job? Should I move in with my partner? Our 20s are a time when what we decide to do–or not to do–can have a significant impact on the years, and even the decades, to come,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About work: “The single biggest driver of positive personality change in adulthood is work. Across our 20s and 30s, we become more emotionally stable as we age, and believe it or not, we largely have our jobs to thank. In a 2013 study of nearly 900,000 young adults from 62 countries around the world, work played a stronger role–even stronger than becoming a partner or a parent–in helping citizens feel more agreeable, more responsible, and more settled,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

About work: “Work has an outsize impact on who we are and who we become. That’s why I won’t work with young adults who don’t have a job or who aren’t willing to get one. Being unemployed or underemployed when we’re young doesn’t help us feel happy or healthy, and neither does being broke or dependent on our parents. Work forces growth and change in a way that few of us can accomplish on our own, or even with our therapists…Showing up for work is, in fact, good for us–and maybe even better for us than anything else,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About relationships: “Longer-term committed attachments are associated with feelings of calm, security, and comfort because there is predictability, the sense that the relationship’s future is somehow known. But not all relationships make it that far, and most in young adulthood don’t. As young adults settle down and commit to long-term partnerships at increasingly later ages, more time is spent falling in–and out–of love. An estimated 95% of young adults have rejected someone, and 93% have been rejected,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About relationships: “Although friends are often seen as less important than partners or parents, the data suggest that friends are how we move from parents to partners. Friendships are better predictors of healthy romantic relationships at age 30 than are our relationships with our parents–and they are even better predictors than our early experiences with dating and sex,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About purpose: “Having a sense of purpose is associated with a host of mental health benefits, including positivity, goal directedness, motivation, perseverance, self-esteem, connectedness, well-being, and life satisfaction. It also helps combat overthinking. When we focus on what’s important–to us–we feel less socially anxious and we’re less interested in what others are doing,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About purpose: “Developmentally speaking, purpose comes into focus rather slowly. By the age of 30, only about half of young adults say they have one and the other half do not–yet. Settling on a purpose often takes time and experience,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

It gets better: “It shouldn’t be surprising by now, but around the world, young adults ages 18-34 are most likely to experience mental health problems such as anxiety and depression and to be more severely affected by their symptoms. After this age, however, these problems tend to decrease, as does the extent to which adults report being debilitated by whatever symptoms they have,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“It gets better. This isn’t unrealistic optimism or magical thinking. It is a data-driven view supported by multiple studies in adult development, which have one consistent message: Life gets better as we age–and so does mental health,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of the Month: The Twentysomething Treatment: A Revolutionary Remedy for an Uncertain Age by Dr. Meg Jay

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

If you really can’t stop worrying about something, try asking yourself these 5 questions to evaluate whether the worry is helping you.

How is that we can be doing meaningful work, have a fancy title, and be achieving our goals, but still feel terrible? Amina AlTai explains what happens when we get ambition all wrong.

Out, out damned spot! NPR’s Life Kit offers 6 tips you oughta know about stain removal.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

Your 20s might not always feel like the best years

How work, friends, and purpose make it better

This week’s clips:

Discussion about this post