Your 20s are the most uncertain years you’ll ever know

Dr. Meg Jay explains why you feel so unsettled

Joanne McHugh

Apr 01, 2025

Click the cover image to go to Bookshop.org, where you can select a local bookstore to support. Your online order will be filled directly by their distributor, and the full profit from your purchase will be sent to your bookstore of choice.

"There are 75 million adults between the ages of 18 and 35 in the United States, most of whom are living through the most uncertain years they will ever know. When they wake up in the morning, they don’t know where they will work or where they will live in five years…When they try to fall asleep at night, they don’t know if their lives will work out, if they’ll ever be happy, or when they’ll be able to pay their bills," said Dr. Meg Jay.

“20th-century 20-somethings were likely to wake up to a spouse, a career, a baby, and maybe even a home and a purpose. These days, such sources of stability are more likely to be realized in one’s 30s and beyond–if at all. For many reasons, 21st-century young adults settle down later than earlier generations used to, which means that they’re likely to spend the first decade or so of adulthood feeling unsettled. And it’s not just young adult lives that are unsettled; the era in which they live is unsettling too,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

Developmental psychologist Dr. Meg Jay specializes in 20-somethings. “So many 20-somethings are struggling, yet as a culture we’re not sure what to think or do,” she says. Dr. Jay says that medication is sometimes, but not always, the best remedy. In The Twentysomething Treatment, Jay offers a “how to” plan for improving mental health through developing skills useful for navigating the uncertainties of life.

“Your 20s may be a mental health low point, but more often than not, they’re a turning point, too. Longitudinal research shows that, across the life span, mental health often follows a J-shaped curve. It takes a dip from childhood to young adulthood and then rises steadily in the decades after that. These are the years when, after trending downward, how we think, and feel, and act starts to take an upward turn,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“In young adulthood, all those 20-something firsts–first decisions, first jobs, first loves, first breakups, first successes, first tough conversations, first apartments, first mistakes, first failures, first problems, first friendships–wire the brain for what’s to come. They tell us something about the specific skills we will need for the lives we will lead–and they give us an opportunity to build them. From this perspective, our young-adult struggles are not just normal, they are purposeful: they train the brain for what’s ahead,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“Being a 20-something is like being an airplane soaring up into the sky after takeoff. It’s a time when a small change in course can make an enormous difference in terms of where you land with work, and love, and life. The same goes for mental health. The 20s are an up-in-the-air turbulent time but the best way to navigate the uncertainty and wind up somewhere better is to learn how to fly your plane,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

What if you have many casual, decent friends, but nobody in your inner circle? An episode of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship offers concrete tips for deepening friendships, like asking for a favor and becoming beginners together.

How do you learn how to navigate the unwritten rules around behaving at work when starting your career? An episode of the podcast New Here features practical advice on how to play the game called work. Comedian and author Sarah Cooper explains how she learned invisible workplace rules, why they matter, and which rules she thinks you can bend.

This 3-minute video illustrates why we should reserve judgment and always leave room for the possibility that someone can change.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

Discussion about this post