Why being a grown-up is a lot like starring in Home Alone
It has its perks, but it comes with something else too
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve been cast in a remake of Home Alone, that classic movie in which 8-year-old Kevin McCallister is left to fend for himself when his family leaves for Paris without him.
The remake I’m starring in has an intriguing twist–an 84-year-old man is playing the role of Kevin. Since my mom died in June, my fully grown yet somehow still childlike father has had to learn how to do all the things that my mom used to take care of.
For the first time in his life, my dad is dealing with the realities that most people come to terms with in their 20s.
From the time they married in 1962, my mom handled housekeeping, household administration, and bookkeeping duties. My dad had sort of been “in training” as my mom’s health declined. Her failing eyesight turned bill paying into a joint task, and she’d begun schooling him on the finer points of grocery shopping when she was no longer strong enough to walk the aisles alone. But it’s been a steep learning curve.
Since my mom’s been gone, I would say that Dad’s coping on a par with Kevin McCallister (so far, he hasn’t had to rig any boobytraps to defend his home from burglars). He’s rightfully proud of how well he’s taken the reins of living independently (getting a handle on the banking was a big deal).
I see my dad regularly, and he usually gives a detailed report about what he’s managed to handle. One task that vexed him for a while was chasing down some refunds my mom was due from her healthcare providers.
I couldn’t understand why he seemed so bothered by the annoying yet not extraordinary task. It sounded like he had done all the right things, and the fact that the customer service wheels were turning slowly seemed normal to me. But having these outstanding items to monitor seemed to bug my dad, which was unusual since he’s typically easygoing.
And then it dawned on me. Dad isn’t used to the recurring drudgery that comes along with adulting. Sometimes things don’t get done the first time you ask about them. Sometimes people have to be chased. Sometimes just when you think everything is handled and the to-do list is done, another item pops up and requires attention.
At 84, Dad is discovering just how many things my mom had handled for him, along with a truth that we must all come to terms with–adulthood is like a bottomless cup of coffee. Trying to empty your to-do list of administrative tasks once and for all is hopeless.
These tasks ye will always have with thee:
Paying bills, managing bank accounts, sending in claim forms, chasing refunds you are due, etc.
Everything required to land meals on the table–meal planning, shopping, food prep, clean up
Housekeeping–ensuring your living areas are reasonably clean, your bathroom is sanitary, your sheets are routinely changed, etc.
Maintaining a car if that’s what gets you where you need to go–scheduling and taking it in for service, ensuring that you have car insurance, keeping it filled with gas, etc.
Serving as your own concierge–scheduling health and personal care appointments, planning leisure activities, making travel arrangements, etc.
Everything associated with maintaining relationships–texting or calling to check in, planning meetups, buying birthday cards and gifts, etc.
And for most of us eventually, the boatload of tasks associated with being a homeowner
You will never reach a state when you have finally checked all of the above items off your list for good (My mom, may she rest in peace, discovered the only way out of ever having to perform these tasks again).
I had originally planned to write this week about dealing with a task that typically pops up this time of year–employers will soon be hounding us about making open enrollment choices. But then I remembered I’d already written about that (See Happy 26th Birthday! Hope you have a great day and you've lined up health insurance! What happens when you reach that magical age when you finally learn what a deductible is.)
And I realized that maybe what somebody needed to hear instead was this: It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes by the unending string of less-than-exciting tasks you need to tend to as a full-grown adult.
We all struggle with this reality when we discover it. We may try to ignore it, but we have to accept that it’s part of life.
You will likely get more proficient at attending to household administration over time. You’ll get more efficient at tackling some things so that they take you less time. And perhaps you’ll find a partner or a roommate to divvy them up with.
But they won’t go away. And that’s okay; this reality helps keep us humble.
Sociologist Karl Pillemer wondered, “Could we look at the oldest Americans as experts on how to live our lives? And could we tap that wisdom to help us make the most of our lifetimes?” He asked over a thousand older Americans to reflect on the right moves and the mistakes they made. His book 30 Lessons for Living provides concrete, practical advice about how to make the most of your life on everything from marriage to careers to money.
In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m watching for things you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
A psychotherapist gave GenTwenty the rundown on 5 behaviors that will keep you single forever.
Can you harness your envy for good? Kirsten Powers considers how it might be a useful guide.
Harvard Business Review has recommendations about how to handle a co-worker’s unsolicited advice.