My mother, my friend?
Why it can be challenging for your relationship with your parents to evolve into a friendship
When I asked 20-somethings what they wish someone had told them about navigating adulthood, somebody said they’d like to know how to become friends with their parents.
On the surface, achieving this goal doesn’t seem that heavy a lift. By the time we reach our 20s, most of us are pretty well-versed in forming friendships. And once parents no longer need to serve as authority figures for us, there’s no good reason why they can’t become more like friends.
However, while reaching a state of friendship with your parents once you’ve reached your 20s is a reasonable goal, the evolution may not happen as naturally as you would like.
Today I would like to share two insights that might help explain why it’s challenging for your parents to become your friend.
Parents have to get comfortable with being themselves in front of you
If you think about it, to have a genuine friendship, friends must be willing to be their authentic selves with one another. The nature of the parent-child relationship before the child reaches maturity doesn’t always lend itself to that.
When you become a parent, they won’t let you take your baby home from the hospital until you sign a contract agreeing to assume the role of an all-knowing parent. I know it sounds heavy-handed, but when you get to be in charge of little humans with a lot of potential, it’s really in everyone’s best interest to cultivate this image, at least for a while. Young children need to have a certain sense of security that they’ve been entrusted to somebody who mostly knows what they’re doing.
Once children reach maturity, parents no longer have to maintain the illusion of knowing it all. (And at a certain point, we can’t pull that off anymore anyway because somewhere along the way, you discover that we are not omniscient or infallible.)
But getting comfortable with revealing your true self to your grown children is a process. Some parents get comfortable being authentic with their grown children more quickly than others. Other parents may struggle with setting the authority role aside so they can relate to you more like a peer.
Keep in mind that your parents may be trying, even if they aren’t as authentic as you would like them to be. I think it’s interesting that when the Pew Research Center surveyed parents with at least one adult child aged 18 to 34, 61% said that their young adult children know them “extremely well” or “very well” as a person beyond their role as a parent.
Yet when the Pew Research Center surveyed young adults aged 18 to 34, only 48% said they knew their parents “extremely well” or “very well” as a person.
Though the parents and young adults surveyed weren’t from the same family units, I see this answer gap as an indicator. It seems to me that while parents rate themselves as pretty good at revealing their true selves, the kids would likely say there’s still room for improvement.
If you don’t know your parents as well as you would like, one way to encourage them to share more about themselves might be to ask them questions about their lives when they were your age.
Sometimes we’re unsure how interested our kids are in hearing about our personal history. But if you ask, it can open the door for them to share–and relating to one another in this way can help to foster friendship.
This generation of parents is filling a role that wasn’t modeled for them
One of the most valuable things that good friends do for one another is serve as a safe repository–you can bring heavy matters to them, and they will help you hold heavy things. You can bring your dilemmas to them; they will help you sort through the issues and find a way forward. In other words, you can count on your friends for advice.
Indications are that parents are fairly good friends when it comes to advice. When Pew Research surveyed young adults ages 18 to 34, a majority said they go to their parents for advice. Young adults most often seek guidance about their financial situation (68%), their career or job situation (67%), parenting (66%) or their physical health (62%). Though young adults are less likely to seek parental advice about their romantic relationships, one-third say they do seek parental guidance about this topic.
Overall, these results bode well for fostering friendship between parents and their adult kids. However, you should be aware of a factor that could be affecting your parents.
If you’ve ever noticed that your parents seem uncomfortable when you confide in them or ask for advice, you should be aware of a generational difference. According to Pew Research, 51% of parents of young adults say they rarely or never went to their parents for advice when they were young adults. So it’s quite possible that serving as an advice-giver might feel like a stretch for your parents if your grandparents never served in that capacity for them.
I used to think it was just me who felt a little off-kilter when my daughters started consulting me about topics I had never asked my parents about (even though I had a good relationship with them). However, when I surveyed my friends about this phenomenon, they reported similar experiences. So I wanted to mention it so that if you encounter the same thing with your parents, you’ll have a clue about what might be happening.
We are all shaped by the times we live in, and a generation ago, I believe it was ingrained in both parents and kids that a parent’s primary and permanent role was to be an authority figure for their children.
If we’ve reached a state where parents and their adult children are more comfortable having their relationship resemble a friendship, I believe that’s a very positive development.
We feel incredibly honored that you find us trustworthy enough to bring your problems and dilemmas to us. But bear in mind that we may be relating to you in a way that we did not experience with our own parents. So please be patient with us as we adapt. We’re still learning, just like you are.
Dr. Jody Foster helps us understand schmucks––the stupid, foolish, or unlikeable persons we may encounter in the workplace. She explains why they act as they do and suggests practical tips for dealing with them and the problems they create. Each issue this month (and next), we’ll sample Foster’s book, profiling a type of workplace schmuck. This week, the Bean Counter:
In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m watching for things you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
What just happened and what does it mean? Letters from an American summarizes the results and implications of the U.S. presidential election in just 1,827 words.
The Imperfectionist explores how not to freak out about the U.S. election or anything else, noting that the key is to ask yourself one centering question: “Do I have a problem now?”
In Sunday Paper, Guardian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt explains what he hopes Americans do post-election.