It's the most wonderful time of the year--or is it?
How to cope with the stuff that makes you wanna say bah humbug
You may have been full of good cheer when you heard “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” at the beginning of the holiday season–it’s often the first tune radio stations play when they switch to 24/7 Christmas music. But now that we’re a couple of weeks into the season, perhaps it hits differently.
If you’re feeling more like the Grinch, let’s assess what might be ailing you and possible remedies.
Are you feeling overwhelmed or anxious?
Issues can easily become magnified with everything all amped up during the holiday season. The increased level of activity and higher likelihood of stress don’t help.
How to deal with it:
If you find yourself all worked up about something, consider whether you would feel the same level of urgency or unease if you were wrestling with it in January. It may help you to put things in perspective.
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you,” according to Anne Lamott. Take a nap or get a decent night’s sleep and see how you feel.
Sometimes we can borrow trouble. So think about the thing that’s bothering you and ask yourself: “Is this a problem I have right now?” If it isn’t, then maybe let it go for now.
If you have verified that a problem exists right now, the next question to ask yourself is: ‘Am I worrying about something that is within my span of control?”
If the answer is no, I try to hand the problem over to God and ask him to put it on his to-do list. (If you don’t believe in God, maybe you can hand it off to your “higher power.”)
If the answer is yes, then it’s time to consider how you might improve the situation. Ask yourself: What’s the next right thing to do to try to solve the problem?
It’s essential to recognize that usually you can’t solve any substantial problem–whether it’s troubling you or a loved one–in a day or even a week. It often takes months (or longer) to resolve these things. IMHO the only way to sanely cope with this reality is to focus on the next right thing to do and pace yourself.If you still feel overwhelmed, tell somebody about it–it doesn’t even have to be a friend or somebody close to you. Sometimes a friendly stranger or an acquaintance can be good repositories for our troubles. They say a problem shared is a problem halved.
And if you don’t have someone you feel comfortable confiding in, remember there’s always the 24/7 National Mental Health Helpline at 866-903-3787.
Are relationship issues weighing you down?
During ordinary non-holiday times, you can ignore relationship issues or put them on the back burner. But since the holidays typically bring people together, you may have to deal with them in person.
How to deal with it:
Take time to feel the feelings. Let them out for a run in a safe space–kind of like taking your dog to a dog park. (A wise friend once tipped me off that crying in the shower is a good way to let things out.) Trying to bury feelings–no matter how noble your intentions are–usually doesn’t work well. The feelings will likely surface unannounced at a less convenient time, possibly making it harder to deal with the situation effectively.
If you’re facing ordinary, run-of-the-mill discomfort about encountering relatives and others you haven’t seen in a while, Surviving the Inquisition has some advice.
If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship, see 28 Tips to Cope with Grief during the Holidays.
If you’re nervous about spending time with people of opposing viewpoints, check out Guess who’s coming to dinner?
If you might encounter someone you need to forgive, Seventy times seven has food for thought.
What if you’ve gone through steps 1 through 5, and you’re still on edge about dealing with someone with whom you have a complicated relationship? Anne Lamott, one of the wisest people I have ever come across, has said that when she’s in a situation that she doesn’t know how to handle anymore, she writes down the name of the person about whom she is distressed or angry on a piece of paper, folds it up, and sticks it in her “God box.” Then she leaves the situation with God, says essentially, “You handle it,” and awaits a moment of intuition.
I have also found calling on Our Lady Undoer of Knots for an assist helpful.
Do you have too much to do and too little time?
Let’s face it: the nitty-gritty of making the holidays festive for you and your loved ones involves extra work and preparation. If most of your weeks ordinarily feel busy, it’s not surprising that adding extra tasks to your to-do list feels stressful. Plus those tasks come with an immovable deadline. While some work well under pressure, others of us don’t.
How to deal with it:
Make a list of everything that must be done before Dec. 25.
Identify the tasks that are must-dos; identify the tasks that are nice-to-dos. Are there any tasks that you could do away with and not miss? For instance, if baking isn’t one of your favorite things to do, can you skip baking Christmas cookies?
Ask yourself if you or anybody important to you will be upset if you skip the task. If not, cross it off your list. If yes, evaluate whether that person is entitled to a say. If not, cross it off your list. If yes, weigh whether their wishes should carry more weight than yours.
Consider whether you can skip any of your everyday chores or defer anything you’d like to get done until after the holidays.
Prioritize the remaining tasks. Note deadlines (for instance, if you’re shipping gifts, you must keep mailing time in mind). Divide the tasks across the remaining days before D-Day (split the duties with a partner, relative or friend if possible), and conquer as best you can.
If it still seems like a lot, take a breath and remind yourself that you have somehow managed to get everything done in the past. Now you have your marching orders, and you’ll adapt as needed.
You’ll probably feel better once you start crossing things off your list, so get going.
It would be heavenly if difficulties and challenges took the month of December off, but that’s not how things work. Hopefully now that you’re better prepared to deal with the less-than-wonderful things that might crop up, you will also be in better shape to enjoy the wonderful parts of the holiday that will no doubt be present for all of us too.
Dr. Jody Foster helps us understand schmucks––the stupid, foolish, or unlikeable persons we may encounter in the workplace. She explains why they act as they do and suggests practical tips for dealing with them and the problems they create. This month we continue to sample Foster’s book, profiling types of workplace schmuck. This week–The Robotic:
In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
In a half-empty mall that’s seen better days, Santa is sitting alone, save for a half-hearted elf. But when a 4-year-old spots him, St. Nick comes to life. A prayer for the off-peak hours Mall Santa might be the pick-me-up you need this week.
What’s the best way to initiate plans with friends if you want your friendships to thrive? Dear Nina has some thoughts that you can read about or listen to.
Tis the season for colds and flu. Dr. Lucy McBride recommends five over-the-counter items that should be in your medicine cabinet.
Thank you so much for featuring my episode and Substack post about making plans with friends! People who make plans, have plans-- that's my mantra! But there is a better way to do it than most are doing now. I'm glad you found my take helpful.
Those old film print pictures are so much fun, thanks for sharing! Those are so relatable to those of us who grew up in similar times. I feel like I was there with you because it’s so familiar. Sending support for your first Christmas without your Mom, these are tough milestones but perhaps you can tackle a batch of those sticky buns in her memory…