Marriage won't be much of an adjustment, right?
The realities of life after the wedding limo pulls away
One of the rudest awakenings of my young adult life came the day after we returned from our honeymoon. I had spent so much time planning our wedding and looking forward to riding off into the Jamaican sunset that I had given absolutely no thought to the fact that regular life would resume after the honeymoon.
The return to normal circumstances was a shock. My husband and I both had the Monday off after our return, and we went grocery shopping to stock the pantry and fridge. Cruising the supermarket aisles to tackle a task that I could previously ignore because it was something that my mom did, it started to sink in that Cinderella’s wedding limo was long gone. And unlike those fairytale princesses and princes, we had a mortgage and bills that would preclude us from just lounging around our castle the next day.
I tried to focus on the upsides of being married. But adjusting to the fact that we were now partners for life with our own household wasn’t as seamless as I thought it would be.
Some of the growing pains came because I was something of a babe in the woods. Though my husband had two years of apartment living under his belt, I had only ever lived with my parents or in a dorm. For the first few months, I was constantly amazed at how many bills kept coming in the mail—for the telephone, the electricity, the water, the trash, the sewer, etc. It wasn’t like I didn’t know we’d have the expenses or how we’d pay them. I was just overwhelmed by the regularity with which they kept coming.
Other growing pains came from getting used to sharing the same space. One morning at work, I got a distraught phone call from my husband, who was still at home. He had just attempted to put his contacts in. Neither of us was used to sharing bathroom space with another contact lens wearer. Though I had managed to put in my correct pair of contacts that morning, he had put in a spare pair of mine. Though my much stronger prescription should have given him Superman-like sight, his vision was so blurred that he thought he was having a stroke. Luckily, he was more relieved than annoyed when I pieced together the reason.
Of all the adjustments required, the aspect of newlywed life that stunned me the most was the fact that my husband and I argued. It wasn’t constant, and the disagreements weren’t nasty, but they happened.
I had seen my own parents argue, so I was familiar with the concept, but somehow I had figured that we were so compatible that we’d be able to skip that particular element of married life. After all, we had been a couple for four and a half years before the wedding, and as best I could tell we knew each other as well as anybody could hope to before they married.
What made me think we’d be able to achieve a conflict-free level of perfection? While we were waiting for our wedding rehearsal to start, my father said something profound that made an impression on me: You can’t pick your parents, you can’t pick your kids, but you do get to pick your spouse, so you had better choose well when making the only pick you get.
Since I was so certain I had made such an excellent pick, I figured my husband and I would be different from most other couples, and we just wouldn’t argue. Looking back now, I can see how dumb thinking this was because, if anything, when you’ve lashed yourself together with someone for a lifetime, and you’re tackling all of the significant challenges and minor annoyances of life together, how could points of contention, not surface from time to time?
Today, I can’t even recall what our newlywed arguments were about—the subjects were that insignificant. But I can testify that arguments happened. One day I was so mad—and I honestly don’t remember about what—that I went into the spare bedroom, grabbed my suitcase, and threatened to start packing it.
I don’t recall how we resolved whatever difficulty had sparked that particular barnburner, but I do remember that my husband came and put his hand on my hand that was gripping the suitcase handle and urged me to put it down.
At the end of the day, that’s the most important part of the episode to recall because it’s a reminder of the glue that’s going to hold any marriage together—the commitment that you really are in this thing together for a lifetime and are willing to listen to the other person, even when he’s wrong or incredibly annoying (haha I meant to type “even when you disagree”).
So if you ever find yourself in a young marriage with the person you truly believe to be the one and you find yourself arguing or aren’t blissfully happy all of the time, don’t panic. Though I hate to scrape the sugar coating off the wedding cake, the reality is that just like your relationship before the wedding had its ups and downs, so will life as Mr. and Mrs.
One other thing while we’re on the subject: If you ever find yourself going into a marriage thinking that your relationship will get remarkably better once you are married, you probably need to do some careful thinking about whether you are taking on that commitment with the right person.
When you marry, you should be happy to accept your spouse in “as-is” condition, and they should feel likewise—a magic wand isn’t part of the wedding ceremony.
As my dad said, your spouse is the only pick you get to make when it comes to your family, so make it a good one.
Sociologist Karl Pillemer wondered, “Could we look at the oldest Americans as experts on how to live our lives? And could we tap that wisdom to help us make the most of our lifetimes?” He asked over a thousand older Americans to reflect on the right moves and the mistakes they made. His book 30 Lessons for Living provides concrete, practical advice about how to make the most of your life on everything from marriage to careers to money.
In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m watching for things you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match? Popsugar reports that some members of Gen Z are seeking professional help to find The One.
According to a recent report by the Economic Policy Institute, Gen Z is expected to do better in the labor market than previous generations. Inflation-adjusted wage growth has been faster than any other generation in at least the past 30 years, and nearly 83% of employers anticipate increasing their hiring. Fast Company has the deets.
Are you hopeless without a GPS? Read about it or listen to a 17-minute LifeKit episode for tips on improving your sense of direction.