I’m happy for you but…
When you envy your friend’s good news
Say hello to Envy, an emotion introduced in Inside Out 2. Pixar animators deliberately made Envy smaller than the other emotions portrayed in the movie to symbolize the sense of inferiority we can feel when comparing ourselves to others
It happens to the best of us. Sooner or later, we all find ourselves in a situation where a friend is experiencing some sort of good fortune that we wish were happening to us.
Maybe they just got engaged, which reminds you how you’ve always wanted to marry and have a family, but you’re not even in a relationship.
Perhaps they’ve just landed their dream job–which they weren’t even looking for–and you’re grinding it out at a job you hate.
Maybe they just announced on Instagram that they’re pregnant, and you’ve been struggling with infertility.
You would like to feel nothing but genuine happiness for your friend. But instead you feel envy–a sense of discontent or resentful longing for what your friend has.
Envy surfaces naturally through no fault of your own, but it can be a painful emotion to process.
What can we learn about envy from Inside Out 2?
You could learn a lot about the psychology of envy by studying Inside Out 2. Though you might not know it unless you knew to look for it, the creators at Pixar truly embodied Envy in the details.
The animators deliberately made Envy smaller than the other emotions portrayed in the film to symbolize the inferiority we can feel when comparing ourselves to others.
Envy is also the only one of the nine emotions portrayed in the Inside Out movies with four fingers. All the other emotions have five fingers, representing that those feeling envy often sense something is missing.
The embodiment of wanting what you don't have, Envy is in charge of the emotion control console when she sees other people having things Riley wants. Though Envy isn’t always likable, her main job is to let Riley know what she wants.
What’s the difference between envy and jealousy?
Though we tend to treat envy and jealousy as synonyms for one another, they’re not.
Jealousy occurs when a third person threatens something we already possess (usually a special relationship). Envy occurs when we lack something that is being enjoyed by another.
Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone). Envy is a reaction to lacking something. As unpleasant as envy can be, it usually doesn’t contain a sense of betrayal and/or outrage.
This Psychology Today article explains the differences in greater detail.
When is envy helpful, and when is it harmful?
As with many emotions, whether they’re ultimately good or bad for you depends upon what you do with them.
Envy can be a positive force if we tune in and observe what it tells us about what we want. It can then motivate us to attain that desire.
Envy can also be destructive if it’s so focused on what we currently lack that we end up feeling inferior to the person who has what we want. It can lead to many darker emotions like resentment, annoyance, and that foreign-sounding one that’s hard to pronounce– schadenfreude–the pleasure of seeing those we envy suffer some sort of misfortune.
If you find yourself leaning toward the destructive sort of envy, this Psychology Today blog post can help you better understand what might be causing it.
Do we outgrow envy?
I would like to tell you that envy is a temporary problem you’ll only have to endure during your 20s and 30s because you’re going through a life stage when people are coupling up, multiplying, and building their careers.
But nobody gets to outgrow envy. Thirty years from now, you’ll face a different round of envy-producing scenarios. A friend will announce they’re going to be a grandparent when you see no prospects of grandchildren. You’ll be invited to yet another wedding of a friend’s child when it seems like none of your kids will be marching down the aisle anytime soon. A friend will retire early to their beach house, yet you know you’ll be toiling for many more years because your retirement savings aren’t what they should be.
In life, you will always be able to find someone who has it better than you do in some way. (And if you bother to think about it, someone will always have it worse than you too.)
How can we deal productively with envy?
Here are some things to try the next time Envy tries to take over your emotion control console:
Recognize and acknowledge that envy is a normal human emotion. We can’t always control it, and sometimes what you resist acknowledging makes it more likely to persist.
Take inventory of what you have to be thankful for. While we haven’t received the same gifts or had gifts bestowed on us at the same time as people we know, we all have received gifts. Maybe it’s a good time to noodle on the positive things in your life right now. It doesn’t matter how small–sometimes the “stocking stuffers” are the best gifts. Sheryl Crow was on to something when she sang “Soak Up the Sun”: it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.
Assess whether your envy is telling you something. In researching this piece, I read about a counselor who said she’s secretly pleased when a client says they envy someone else because envy is such an excellent clue–it says you would rather have or be something else. So the next time you’re feeling envious, perhaps it’s worth exploring whether your desire for what someone else has is a signal to you about something you want to pursue. How could you take a step toward achieving that desire, no matter how simple or preliminary?
Remember that, as Theodore Roosevelt said, comparison is the thief of joy. When experiencing envy, I recommend limiting your exposure to social media. As you know, people are likelier to share highlights than their bloopers, mistakes, and disappointments on Instagram. Instead, intentionally spend your time doing something more likely to give your spirits a bit of a lift.
Celebrate other people’s good fortune to the best of your ability. Author Vi Keeland once said that blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine brighter. It may not be your party this time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t derive joy from celebrating someone else’s big win. That said, if you’re not up to celebrating, it’s okay to offer quiet congratulations and pass on a more enthusiastic celebration until you’re better able to handle it.
Take the long view. Though it’s easy to fall prey to an evil voice whispering in your ear that you’re a loser, you know that’s bullshit. Everyone’s life contains joy and pain. Everyone experiences dark periods and light periods. No human makes it through life without struggles. Someone’s current season may seem enviable, but they will undoubtedly have (or have had) disappointments too.
And for all you know, your enviable season may be just around the corner.