How to Not Die Alone

Cover of the book "How to Not Die Alone" by Logan Ury
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Behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury leads a research team at the dating app Hinge dedicated to helping people find love. She wrote How to Not Die Alone to help people be informed and purposeful about their dating techniques and relationships.

“While love may be a natural instinct. Dating isn’t. We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner,” said Logan Ury.
“Many people suffer from dating blind spots–patterns of behavior that hold them back from finding love, but which they can’t identify on their own,” said Logan Ury.
Are you a Romanticizer? A Maximizer? A Hesitater? Take Logan’s Dating Blindspots Quiz. Click this image to discover the habits or beliefs that may be holding you back from finding love. Read the book to get the full 411.
“It’s tempting to approach dating apps as an exercise in discovering what’s wrong with people or finding a reason to say no. Instead, try to be less judgmental,” said Logan Ury.
“Choose not to play the apps like a game. You’ll make better decisions if you pace yourself and go out with a limited number of people at once. Try to really get to know them,” said Logan Ury.
“We can learn to swipe smarter by expanding our settings to see more people, being less judgmental when we swipe, dating fewer people at a time, and transitioning to the date faster. The point of the apps is to meet people face-to-face, not to gain a pen pal,” according to Logan Ury.
“Look for the positives in people, whether you’re evaluating them on a dating app or they’re across the table from you at a restaurant. It will be easy to see their flaws–the way our brain has evolved practically guarantees it,” said Logan Ury.
“But force yourself to look for the good. After your next date, text a friend five things you liked about your date,” said Logan Ury.
“When you’re on a first date, you’re not looking to fill the position of life partner, you’re looking to decide whether or not you want a second date. That’s it. It’s better to go on a second or third date with somebody and then find out that they’re not a good fit than to rule out potential matches because of an initial impression that’s vulnerable to all types of cognitive biases,” said Logan Ury.
“I’ve come to see our obsession with the spark as one of the most pervasive and dangerous ideas in dating. It causes us to miss out on amazing partners because we fail to see their true potential,” said Logan Ury.
“Love at first sight is pretty rare. When psychologist Ayala Malach Pines surveyed more than 400 people to ask how they fell in love with their romantic partners, only 11% claimed they felt ‘love at first sight,’” according to Logan Ury.
“Stop using the spark as your first-date indicator…focus on what matters, like loyalty, kindness, and how the other person makes you feel. Ditch the spark and go for the slow burn–someone who may not be particularly charming upon your first meeting but would make a great long-term partner,” said Logan Ury.

View your love life as a series of choices

“Selecting a partner is already an incredibly daunting task, one weighed down with cultural baggage, bad advice, and societal and familial pressure,” said Logan Ury.
“Intentional Love, my philosophy for creating healthy relationships, asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents,” said Logan Ury.
“Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions,” according to Logan Ury.
“Make good decisions, and you propel yourself toward a great love story. Make bad ones, and you veer off course, doomed to repeat the same harmful patterns over and over,” said Logan Ury.

Be smart about who’s in your pool of partners

“The older we get, the more set in our ways we are, and the more we crave someone who will easily fit into our lives…Research tells us that similar personalities are not a predictor of long-term relationship success,” said Logan Ury.
“We make our potential pool of partners smaller by mistakenly eliminating people who are not similar enough to us…In the end, a relationship is not about who each of you is separately, it’s about what happens when the two of you come together,” said Logan Ury.
According to Logan Ury, “Seek Life Partners: people who are trustworthy and reliable and who will stay with you for the long haul. Avoid Prom Dates: Individuals who are fun in the short term but ultimately let you down.”

Don’t be a ditcher or a hitcher

“To figure out whether to stay or go, consider your historical tendencies and determine if you’ve given the relationship a fair chance,” said Logan Ury.
“Ditchers leave relationships too quickly…They confuse falling in love with being in love, and expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement. They underestimate the opportunity cost of learning how to make relationships work,” said Logan Ury.
“Hitchers stay in relationships too long. Hitchers are affected by cognitive biases like the sunk-cost fallacy and loss aversion. Hitchers forgo the opportunity to find a more satisfying partnership,” said Logan Ury.
According to Logan Ury, “When you’ve decided you want to break up with someone, it’s time to make a plan. Think through what you’re going to say and when and where you’re going to say it. Be kind but firm.”

Wait and talk before you tie the knot

“Couples who wait 1-2 years before getting engaged are 20% less likely to get divorced than those who wait under a year before putting a ring on it. Couples who wait at least 3 years before engagement are 39% less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year,” according to Logan Ury.
“Divorce lawyers say that couples often make the same big mistake when considering marriage: They’re so fond of each other that they assume the other person wants the same things in life,” said Logan Ury.
“Before you decide to tie the knot, you should have conversations about the past, the present, and the future. And it’s crucial to make time to discuss topics like money, sex, religion, and children,” according to Logan Ury.