30 Lessons for Living

Dec 12, 2024

Book of the Month: 30 Lessons for Living by Karl Pillemer

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Lessons for a Happy Marriage: #1Marry someone a lot like you

The experts are 1,000 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned over the course of a lifetime. “No matter their socioeconomic background, their religious heritage, their race or ethnicity, or their political leanings, the experts agree: finding someone who is similar in upbringing, general orientation, and values is the single most important component of a long and satisfying marriage,” said Karl Pillemer.

“The experts don’t tell you unconditionally not to marry someone who is different from you but with whom you are deeply in love. They simply want everyone to recognize that if we marry people very dissimilar to ourselves, and in particular with divergent values, we are much more likely to face complex challenges in married life,” said Karl Pillemer.

Based on their eighty thousand or so years of combined life experience, the experts are reliable guides to what you are likely to regret or feel proud of…I was particularly interested in learning something very specific: what are concrete things younger people can do now to avoid regrets in later life?" said Karl Pillemer.

“In connection with avoiding late-life remorse, one word was repeated again and again: ‘honesty.’ America’s elders saw this prescription as unconditional: be honest above all,” said Karl Pillemer.

“You feel good about yourself, they argue, when you treat others fairly and honestly. And when people violate this ironclad rule, the experts told me, they regret it,” said Karl Pillemer.

Lessons for a Successful and Fulfilling Career: #1 Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones

“No one–not a single person out of a thousand–said that to be happy you should try to work as hard as you can to make money to buy the things you want,” said Karl Pillemer.

“No one–not a single person–said it’s important to be at least as wealthy as the people around you, and if you have more than they do it’s real success,” said Karl Pillemer.

“No one–not a single person–said you should choose your work based on your desired future earning potential,” said Karl Pillemer.

Lessons for a Happy Marriage #5: Don’t just commit to your partner–Commit to marriage itself

According to the “experts”–1,000 older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned over a lifetime–”No one believed that a person should stay in a mentally or physically abusive relationship, one marked by repeated infidelity, or a situation of extreme and irresolvable conflict,“ said Karl Pillemer.

“Marriages are more often terminated because one partner feels that his or her needs are not being met, because of “falling out of love,” or because of routine disagreements about minor issues. The experts hold that such issues can be surmounted but that couples only have the will to do so if they believe that they must stay and work on the marriage,” said Karl Pillemer.

“A surprising number of experts related how they reached a turning point in their marriage when they nearly abandoned it but at the critical moment decided to turn back. As a result of that decision, they reaped many years of happy married life and are grateful they did not end the relationship,” said Karl Pillemer.

Lessons for Living Like an Expert #2: Happiness is a choice, not a condition

The Experts are 1,000 older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned over the course of a lifetime. “The experts insist not only that we can choose to be happy but that we can choose to do so on a daily basis in spite of the problems that confront us or the lack of something we feel is very important to us…And they argue that it is a tremendous mistake to wait for external events to “make” you happy,” said Karl Pillemer.

Lessons for Living Like an Expert #3: Time spent worrying is time wasted

The Experts are 1,000 older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned over the course of a lifetime. According to Karl Pillemer, “Given that the experts had lived through difficult historical periods and great personal tragedies, I thought they might endorse a certain level of worry. It seemed reasonable that people who had experienced the Great Depression would want to encourage financial worries, who fought or lost relatives in World War II would suggest we worry about international issues, and who currently deal with illness would want us to worry about our health,” said Karl Pillemer.

Karl Pillemer says, “The reverse is the case, however. The experts see worry as a crippling feature of our daily existence and suggest that we do everything in our power to change it. Most important, they view worrying as a waste of time. Worrying about events that may not occur or that are out of our control is viewed by them as an inexcusable waste of our precious and limited lifetime.”

According to Karl Pillemer, “One described worry as a futile attempt to control the fundamentally uncontrollable: ‘One of the important lessons I’ve learned over the years is that you cannot control what might happen and you cannot change what did happen…I have learned that if I can’t do anything about a situation, then worrying isn’t going to change it either.’”

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